Mary Angel

(6/2025) From the time I was born, my mom always said I loved to hug. She said she wasn't a hugger, and the Lord was forcing her out of her comfort zone. As time went on, I outgrew this great desire to hug. Then I had children and once again that changed. When they say everything changes when you have kids, they really do mean everything.

When my first son was born, I suddenly couldn't get enough of hugging. He was such an amazing gift, and I could spend every day giving him hugs! With each child there were more and more hugs. It was amazing to have these little people constantly wanting to be near me. No matter what was going on, a single hug from me made everything better. They needed me and it was a wonderful feeling that I had never been on the receiving end of.

As a mom being needed by your kids is endearing, heart-warming, and a bit overwhelming. When they are little, they need you for so much more than hugs. As they grow up, they start to become more and more independent. This is what the terrible twos are all about. I remember when my second son was in this toddler phase, he wanted to do everything on his own. He wanted to get dressed on his own, he learned the word no, and he was practicing different ways to test my patience.

Move forward a few years and they are going to school. This is when they really start to become independent. They still needed me, but it was changing. In elementary school my usefulness was still primary. They needed me to drive them, feed them, and put a roof over their heads. There was a constant request for homework help. My kids also loved lunch, shopping, or play-dates with mom. So, independence at this stage was demonstrated by them insisting they needed to wear certain clothes and absolutely could never wear other items ever again. It might also manifest in food choices, but in the elementary school years their independence usually involved preferences rather than more adult independence choices. After all, they are still your sweet little "babies".

It wasn't long and they were entering middle school.

Many aspects of the kids needing me didn't change in middle school. They still weren't driving and had no income. This is the age where they become more defiant and push the envelope of patience just a little bit further. Middle school is that magical time when the teenage hormones are rearing their ugly head and the kids want to feel way more independent than they are. This is also a time when hugs are few and far between. They are trying to figure out if hugging their mom is just too uncool. There is definitely no hugging in public.

If you survive the middle school angst, then you will enter the high school years when my kids were able to actually be independent. This is a time of mixed emotions. My husband and I were once again able to travel and do little weekend getaways. This was balanced by the kids being "independent" when we were home as well. Our second son demonstrated his independence by dating before he had permission, and our oldest daughter by not cleaning her room. Our oldest and youngest didn't give us too much grief at this age. Probably luring us into a false sense of security. Independence isn't always all it's cracked up to be. As I had been a stay-at-home/ homeschool mom until the last was in high school, I was also able to return to work. Now that they could drive, they would run to the grocery store for me. For them, though, this was a time when they could go out with their friends whenever they wanted. They no longer had to ask me to drive them anywhere. We actually instated a rule that everyone had to let us know in the group text whether or not they would be home for dinner.

This independence was amazing for everyone, but also a little sad as a mom. I loved seeing them thrive and grow but missed actually seeing them. One positive is that by their junior and senior year they have figured out who they are (mostly) and some of the hugs returned. The problem with that is when they are never home when will they hug you? Each of my kids demonstrated independence at different stages by withholding hugs. I remember the first time one of my kids was upset, I offered a hug to make them feel better, and they said, "No, not now. Please don't touch me." I was taken aback and truly didn't know what to say or do. I know the shock was all over my face. How could they not want a hug from mom, especially when I needed one more than ever at that moment!

As they graduate from high school you can finally take a deep breath and a sigh of relief that you have all survived. At this point they are, or soon will be, adults. They are as independent as they will ever be under your roof. This is a magical time where you are still a parent, but also someone they will want to have deep conversations with.

Although all these stages are necessary and amazing in their own right, please know that it is okay to be sad and mourn the passing of time as your little ones need you less and less. Trust me when I tell you it is a real struggle. As my last child is getting ready to graduate from high school, I am excited, proud, and terribly depressed all at the same time. Just don't get so caught up in being sad that you don't enjoy each and every step along the way. Above all take those hugs when they are offered and enjoy every minute of it. When they are adults be sure and still offer up a hug now and again, as it will do you both a lot of good and, take it from me, you will love it!

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